How To Cure Jolly Floggin’

Yep, the weekend and time for some silly stuff…….what is life without a little humor?

First, something I thought about while researching the other day…….For the life of me I cannot see the point of a circle!  Think about it.

Now…………… Sriracha?  I am sick of this crap!  Just as I was sick of the crap it replaced….Buffalo Sauce……you want hot then man up and eat Harissa……that should have you begging for ice cream…..

Now to the grits and the gravy of day’s post……..it is a bit personal….I do not usually do personal….but what the hell we are all friends, right?……

I recall when I discovered what to do with the horribly big erection in the morning…….all I had to do was get a hold of myself and……Flog my Jolly!

Then it became almost mandatory to do so……surely there was a cure for that compulsion……VIOLA!  There was and you will not believe what it was…….

Kellogg’s Corn Flakes sure are tasty, crunchy, and a great cure for masturbation. Sorry, the last bit’s not true—but it’s partly why John Harvey Kellogg and his brother invented the cereal back in 1878, Real Clear Science reports. An outspoken surgeon, writer, and medical chief at Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan, Kellogg abstained from sex and warned against the alleged dangers of masturbation. Such dangers included insanity, impotence, epilepsy, acne, poor posture, and blindness, in Kellogg’s view. Among his tips: Avoid all “exciting and irritating food,” wrote the Seventh Day Adventist. “A man that lives on pork, fine-flour bread, rich pies and cakes, and condiments, drinks tea and coffee and uses tobacco, might as well try to fly as to be chaste in thought.”

He also invented a few grain breakfast cereals “as healthy, ready-to-eat anti-masturbatory morning meals,” reports Mental Floss. Brother Will, who managed the sanitarium’s books, helped him invent corn flakes but wanted sugar on them to help them sell—an addition John refused to accept. Meanwhile, John suggested more severe anti-masturbatory practices, like running a wire through boys’ foreskins to curb erections and burning the clitoris with carbolic acid to keep girls’ fingers away. Today we know the health benefits of self-love, like reduced depression, lowered prostate-cancer risk, and a better immune system, the Conversation notes.

There you have it…..the next time you get the urge to flog your jolly just pour yourself a bowl of corn flakes and relax……..the urge will dissipate……

AHHHHHH………….I feel better already!

Humor Is Where You Find It!

Sunday in the park…..(Chicago song)…….and I was trying to think of something clever and witty to post about today…….I was racking my brain and then I read a piece about some guy in Texas…….(need I say more?)

The US government has a training exercise going on in Texas and when it was announced the governor of Texas issued an order for the National Guard to keep tabs on the US military during the exercise……and of course the echo chamber for mental midgets turned the exercise in the government moving to declare martial law and subjugate the people of Texas………

I wait for the shooting and the martial law to begin…….and I wait……and wait….and……..

So when I read this story I thought of that situation……..

Things not to do in the 2am hour on a Thursday night: attempt to shoot an armadillo. Deputies with the Cass County Sheriff’s Department say a Texas man told them he was trying to do that when the bullet apparently ricocheted and struck him in the head instead. The details remain thin, but KTRE reports he was treated for minor injuries at a hospital. Something quite similar occurred in April when a Georgia man fired at an armadillo, only to have the bullet ricochet and strike his mother-in-law’s back. In that case, Larry McElroy did manage to kill the armadillo. There’s no word on the Texas armadillo’s fate.

Why did I think of Operation Jade Helm from this story?

Texans are up in arms about the US holding such a training exercise that they are running for their guns…….the problem is if this is a typical gun totting Texan then maybe they should just submit…….I mean if one cannot shoot an Armadillo without hitting yourself in the head………I do not think they would be much good trying to fight the best military in the world…….right?

Then there is the other side of the coin……..since guns are so important in Texas….maybe the armadillo was armed and was only firing in self-defense…..you know kinda like “stand your ground”…….

Whatcha think?

Franklin: What A Guy!

I did my grad work on early American political history and I came to love Ben Franklin……..of course most will think about his inventions like bi-focal and such or his Almanac and  for others it will be his womanizing ways both here and in France…..but for me it was his extreme sense of humor

This piece is about his essay on the problem of flatulence….

 

In 1781, Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay about farting – Vox.

Who Does Kerry Look Like?

Believe it or not….I am not always so serious and analytic…..

What is life without a little whimsey?  Have you ever had one of those nagging feelings that just will not go away?

This is mine.

Ever since John Kerry has been at the State Department I have been racking my brain….he reminds me of someone and for the life of me I cannot put my finger on it……

 

And then I was sitting there drinking my cup of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee, my fave, … and like a bolt from heaven….BAM!  I now know who he reminds me of…….think Deep Space Nine!

 

 

That’s right…he looks like the space station’s security chief, ODO!

Now I can get some sleep!  LOL

Gun Violence With A Little Humor?

It is my two days away from the mind numbing BS of the media……

The title may be a bit misleading…..there is NOTHING humorous about the amount of gun violence that is occurring in this country…..but there are some reports that make you simile whether you want to or not…….this stpry is one of them, at least for me,…….I have seen this sort of thing in the movies and in cartoons but i cannot ever remember hearing it happening in real life……that is….until now…….

According to WMAZ Channel 13, the man was parked at a gas station and was attempting to put away the .45 caliber pistol when it discharged, striking him in the groin.

The man immediately drove to a friend’s house. According to police, the victim dropped his pants to find that he had shot himself in the penis and that the bullet had exited his body through the buttocks. As he disrobed, the spent round fell to the floor.

The victim was driven to the Coliseum Northside hospital by a friend, then transferred to the Medical Center of Central Georgia.

Death and Taxes reported in January of 2013 that at least five American men have shot off their penises since 2010.

I’m sorry…….shooting oneself in the penis is just funny……

Hung Chow?

And then there are just stories that are too humrous to pass up and since this is my silly time…this one just could not be resisted…….

Here’s a novel idea that could literally shake up the way that millions of people treat constipation: a pill that vibrates when swallowed, rather than delivering medication. The capsule, which is being developed by the Israeli company Vibrant, is the size of a multivitamin and works by mimicking the peristalsis process that pushes waste through the lower intestine, USA Today reports. Researcher Yishai Ron says it increased the number of weekly bowel movements from two to four in 26 test subjects who took it twice a week for two weeks, NBC News reports. That’s good news for chronic constipation sufferers (which an estimated 15% of Americans are), as many as 50% of whom who don’t get much relief from laxatives, says Ron.

Six to eight hours after being swallowed—about the time food would reach the lower part of the digestive system—the Vibrant pill begins pulsating three times a minute. The action is controlled by an external base unit but isn’t noticeable to the patient; the capsule is eventually expelled in a bowel movement. The pill could be a superior alternative to laxatives, researchers say, because only a few minor side effects were noted—whereas research has shown that laxatives can have serious side effects, particularly if the dose is increased over time, which is often necessary. The brief study doesn’t speak to potential long-term effects, though; more extensive trials are planned. (Weird sidebar: Elvis’ longtime doctor claims the King died of chronic constipation.)

There you have it….no need for a laxative…..or an enema……..or even to work it out with a pencil (oh, sorry that was just too crude)……just swallow a vibrating pill……. you know there could b other uses for this invention but it would have to be delivered in discrete packaging……

Did You Hear The One About The Fart?

Once again it is the weekend and I for one am damn sick of all the SOTU crap…..okay I get it….you think it was a good speech….or maybe you think he was lying his butt off….let me let you in on a secret…they all lie their butts off in the SOTU….you will be a lot happier if you remember that one small fact……

May I see a show of hands….how many like a good fart story?

As usual I want to post something on the w/end that will make you smile or make you stop and think or just entertain you…….this week I could not resist a couple of fart stories……

Hitting a high C is hard enough without worrying about passing gas—and an opera singer in Nashville is suing over the dilemma, Fox News reports. Amy Herbst, a mezzo-soprano, says she was doing fine until an Army nurse screwed up her childbirth operation in 2012. The nurse at an Army hospital in Fort Campbell, Ky., apparently damaged Herbst’s reproductive and digestive system when her son was born—leaving Herbst incontinent, flatulent, and unable to continue her singing career. “She is suffering through a very embarrassing and very significant injury, and frankly, the prognosis of a fully successful repair is pretty low,” her attorney tells the Army Times. According to Herbst, the nurse performed an episiotomy—meaning she cut an area between the anus and the vagina to help ease childbirth. But the incision couldn’t be fully repaired, and it seems follow-up surgeries may not fix it, either. Herbst lost a job singing in Madame Butterfly thanks to the operation, the Tennessean reports.

Sorry but a good fart story is worth its weight in entertainment value…….

But Wait!  Yes, there is more…..

A herd of dairy cows nearly lifted the roof off their barn in central Germany yesterday when methane released by the animals caused an explosion. Police in Hesse state said in a statement that a static electric charge apparently triggered the detonation, and a spurt of flame, at a farm in Rasdorf. The roof was slightly damaged and one cow suffered light burns. No people were hurt. Police say 90 cows are kept in the shed and it wasn’t clear why quantities of methane had built up, though bovine belching and flatulence releases large quantities of the gas

Maybe there is really something to the story that farting cows are causing global warming…..after all……….

And there we have the fart stories for the month…hope you enjoyed them…..come on!  You know you are smiling….come on!